On our Best Behavior: The 7 Deadly Sins and the price women pay to be good

Women feel proud when they resist eating a piece of chocolate. They celebrate their self-control when they avoid giving an angry reply. They feel good about themselves when they wake up early and work all day. They prioritize the needs of others over their own and think this makes them a good example.

In On Our Best Behavior: The seven deadly sins and the price women pay to be good, journalist Elise Loehnen explains that these impulses–often lauded as unselfish, distinctly feminine instincts–are ingrained in women by a culture that reaps the benefits. 

This denial prevents women from crediting themselves (pride), pleasuring themselves (lust), feeding and securing themselves (gluttony, greed), releasing their emotions and asserting their needs (anger), relaxing (sloth), and desiring anything at all (envy).

She listed the ideas and behavior she correlated with being good, and these traits mapped perfectly into them.

BELIEVING SLOTH TO BE SINFUL, WE DENY OURSELVES REST

Expectation:

“Good women are tireless and hardworking with no interest or requirement for rest, at work or home.”

Women are made to believe by the forces of economics and religion that the purpose of life is hard work. Another extra baggage women carry is that they are somehow responsible for destroying the sacred family structure by neglecting parenthood.

But, like men, women need leisure time when they do their own thing- doodling, midday naps, meandering walks, or any form of relaxation. After all, rest is essential for everyone, and women are no exception.

Elise says, “We should learn to forgive ourselves, practice self-love, and then learn to share that love with other women. We should stop stressing about not doing enough and support each other to grow together. This means giving up the idea of being perfect or having unrealistic expectations.”

Advice to women:

“Accepting sloth as essential, we can demand support, embrace rest, and reserve our strength for the worthiest work.”

BELIEVING ENVY TO BE SINFUL, WE DENY OUR WANTING

Expectation:

“ Good women are content with what they have and don’t desire or envy the abilities or accomplishments of others.”

Women struggle to acknowledge their wants because they are conditioned to believe they don’t have any wants.

In our culture, it is normal for women to be selfless and sacrificing. It is uncommon and can create controversy when women prioritize their own needs or pursue their dreams.

Women are often quick to judge and control the desires of other women. When we shame a woman for having ambitious dreams and believing in her uniqueness, we limit their potential. Women should break this habit of reflexively criticizing each other.

The most valuable thing we can offer all women – our mothers, sisters, daughters, and friends – is a fresh way of approaching and expressing their desires.

Elise says,” Before we begin to feel jealous of others and use it as a basis for judging and criticizing them, we should examine whether this discomfort arises from our desires and experiences that we want for ourselves, or from a fear that someone else might take something from us that we think belongs to us. We should break these barriers and replace them with real-life examples of people who embody our greatest aspirations.”

Advice to women:

 Accepting envy as essential, we can open the door to every possibility and invite our wanting to enter.

BELIEVING PRIDE TO BE SINFUL, WE DENY OUR TALENTS

Expectation:

“Good women are not too intimidating or confident; Instead, they are encouraged to work hard to seem humble, downplay their accomplishments, and focus on finding others who can help them.“

Whenever women have become successful and gained attention, they have been ridiculed and turned into objects of curiosity. It is a hidden way of forcing women to know their “place”.

 Most women raise their hands and speak up only when they are sure of the answer; they keep their heads down and put in the hours at work; they hope to be recognized for their value rather than stating it on the record. So they remain confined, even slapping down other women who attempt to rise.

In one frequently cited study, 156 subjects assessed two fictional CEOs—one man and one woman. Participants expected the powerful man to speak up and rewarded him for dominating the conversation, whereas the woman received backlash for talking more than others. Both the male and female respondents judged the female CEO harshly. 

 If every woman used her talents and supported other women in using theirs, we could create a better, more inclusive, and harmonious world.

Elise says, “We need to find a way to rest easy within ourselves—to be proud of who we are and celebrate that. By embracing our true selves, we can better support other women. It is important to highlight our special qualities.”

Advice for women:

“We can develop and embrace our unique gifts by accepting pride as an essential.“

BELIEVING GLUTTONY TO BE SINFUL, WE DENY OUR HUNGER. 

Expectation:

“Good women strive to be thin, really as small as possible.”

Fatness is feared in our culture. According to a survey conducted by the Yale University Rudd Center for Food Policy and Health, 46 percent of the 4,283 respondents (of whom 83 percent were women) would give up a year of their life rather than be obese.

 In Jessica Nordell’s book The End of Bias, she reports parents to Google if their daughter is overweight at twice the rate they search if their son is obese.

No man will ever experience anything like the way women’s bodies and appearances are rated and judged. Maintaining physical desirability is one of women’s big jobs.

Instead of listening to hunger signals, they condemn and shame it, deny its existence, and refuse to consider what it’s trying to express.

The scale obsession distracts women from the real work of being comfortable in their bodies and understanding hunger. Women deserve to have enough- to stop trying so hard, managing every morsel, every step, every minute.

Elise says,” We need a system where everyone can truly be themselves, without any standards or judgments about our bodies. We should be free to exist exactly as we are, without any comments or labels. The objective is to reach a place of peace and acceptance with our body, where we can live in harmony, like friends.”

Advice for women:

“Accepting gluttony as essential, we can process our emotions and satisfy our deepest hunger.”

BELIEVING GREED TO BE SINFUL, WE DENY OUR SECURITY

 Expectation:

“Good women don’t negotiate on their behalf, never ask for more, appear grateful for what they’ve been given, and avoid talking about money. They often spend faster than they save and strive to be generous.”

Wealth is an index of opportunity, access, and power. On the Forbes global “Real Time Billionaires” list, only six women figure in the top forty.

It’s “natural” for men to want money, to go after it, and to discuss it freely without shame. For men, greed and ambition are good- expected, respected, and admired.

But you don’t see women bragging about money. Even married women who happen to earn more money often downplay this ability to make their husbands feel more masculine.

The gender pay gap is much talked about at 82 cents on the dollar, but the gender wealth gap is  worse-32 cents on a man’s dollar. 

 Elise says, “We have accepted to be undervalued because we are taught to feel ashamed about money. We struggle to ask for money or demand fair compensation. We lack the information to assess if we are being paid appropriately, regardless of gender. We feel embarrassed for wanting money and unsure if we deserve it. Everyone must have enough to meet their needs, as our society lacks a safety net. It is our responsibility to create that safety net for ourselves.”

Advice to women:

“Accepting greed as essential, we can clarify our needs and then work with each other to ensure they are met.”

BELIEVING LUST TO BE  SINFUL, WE DENY OUR PLEASURE

Expectation:

“Good women want to be seen as sensual, warm, and inviting of sex but not openly interested.”

For a long time, society has punished women who are seen as sexually assertive. Our culture is more accepting of looking at women as sexual objects, as passive recipients of male desire. It is not surprising most women think sex is bad, dirty, immoral, and wrong. 

For women, society approves of having sex for bearing children as it is seen as their responsibility. It’s also acceptable to engage in sexual relationships as long as they are reciprocated and committed. However, women who engage in sex purely for enjoyment are often criticized for “acting like men.”

Elise says, “When we hide and ignore our desires, we all miss out on both pleasure and a source of power that we don’t fully comprehend yet. It would be easier for women to accept and appreciate their bodies if they were taught that pleasure is an important and sacred aspect of life. They must be guided from the beginning to understand their desires better.”

Advice to women:

“Accepting lust as essential, we can reclaim pleasure and tap into the complete strength of our creative abilities.

BELIEVING ANGER TO BE SINFUL, WE DENY OUR OWN NEEDS: 

Expectation:

“Good women are assertive only when advocating for others. They are encouraged to forgive, avoid confrontation, and prioritize the needs of others over their own. They are often willing to sacrifice their needs and endure discomfort to maintain peace and uphold the existing order.“

While it continues to be culturally appropriate for men to get their anger out, there has always been an aversion to listening to women express anger in public.

Women are to make other people comfortable. They’ve been instructed to suppress their natural aggression or told they shouldn’t have it. 

Because they cultivate no appropriate channels, this aggression finds its way out sideways. It leaves them full of resentment,  poisoning their relationship from within.

Though women raise issues 80 percent of the time, they are unclear about initiating change. Their biggest fear around self-expression and setting boundaries is that doing those things will mean getting dumped. 

Many women find it easier to keep their unexpressed needs bottled up inside, which can lead to feelings of anger building up within them rather than expressing their dissatisfaction openly. This internalized anger, or protest, often manifests as depression. This “ill health” is reflected in the widespread autoimmune diseases that overwhelmingly affect women.

Elise says, “Anger is an internal alarm, indicating something is wrong. We must learn to hear and address the warning. And on the flip side, when people direct their anger and pain toward us, we must learn how to respond.”

Advice to women:

“Accepting anger as essential, we can better recognize our individual and collective needs for a more equitable future.”